Yaaaassss! Mystery story! I'm so happy that I chose to look at your story, Kimber! "The House To A Wife Of Many" is a g-r-e-a-t title! It's what drew me in, and when I saw the image of the "Haunted Mansion" on the front page, I started to get excited. Your introduction was well written, and crafted a winding road leading the reader further and further into the world that you're creating. I was a little startled that we (we as the reader and you as the voice, so "we") jumped over to you packing up to go check out the house tonight...... "Oh, OK" I thought as I read it, a little saddened that we were no longer living in the story land of setting up the information about the old woman, we now suddenly transitioned to real-time, and going on an adventure to the house. Something about that transition felt not quite smoothe...... However, when I got to the end, and found out there was a journal to read..... YAAASSSS!!!! I was immediately ecstatic again. So, I would suggest some thinking about the middle transition portion, but otherwise -- brilliant idea for your storybook! I love it! I particularly love that it's coinciding with the upcoming Halloween festivities, and fall, and so the ambiance for reading this story is going to be just great. Good job!
I love how suspenseful and slightly horror-themed your introduction is! It is very intriguing! I am very curious to know whether this story is based on Draupadi? She was the only "wife of many" I could think of, but I am very excited to see how this story will turn out! I also really love the layout of your site! It's very clean and neat. The haunted mansion and gilded journal pictures are also very pretty as well! I was a little confused at first about the story but I also kind of like being thrown in to figure it out myself! Maybe a bit more background detail would be nice too, but I'm not sure how you would be able to fit that in with the introduction you have going. Anyway, I really like the premise for your storybook and can't wait to read the rest of it!
At first I couldn't tell where you were taking the story but after finishing the introduction I think I'm loving it! The suspense is killing me! One thing that caught me a little off guard is that I was assuming the woman in the house was an old lady by the time her husband died so I was like, "why is no one in the town questioning why a young handsome man wants to marry an old woman?" So maybe put a little more clarity (without giving too much of the mystery away) and give a little more information about the woman in the house.
-->"The paper read how he tragically dies by falling off his roof. He died due to his injuries after being in a coma for many days. The paper said that he is only survived by his wife, Betsy, and his whole life savings would go to his beloved."
These sentences are just a tid bit hard to follow. Maybe you could say, "The headline read Man tragically falls to his death."
Other than those minor details I enjoyed reading your introduction. I will have to come back to find out how it ends!
Hey Kimber! I think that the premise for your stories is fabulous! Very rarely do you have a horror story storybook written, so I think that it is a great twist on all of these stories we are reading! I look forward to seeing what is really going on with all of this woman’s husbands. I would highly recommend that you reread the intro though because I found several grammatical errors. Most are super simple to fix, for example, your last sentence “I opened it an could not believe my eyes,” instead of “I opened it and could not believe my eyes. I will definitely be coming back to read your stories though because of how well you piqued my interest with your introduction! I also really like the photo you chose for this page because it evokes lots of creepy feelings and a great setting for the readers’ mind.
Hey Kimber! When I first read the title of your blog, I definitely had no idea where it was going, and was surprised (in a good way)! I like the suspense you built up in your introduction. Using phrases like "terrible accident" and "tragically dies" really sets the tone. The unique thing about stories is how they are passed down from generation to generation, and you've captured this perfectly. But the cool thing about your narrator is that he/she doesn't just listen to the stories and accept them; he/she wants to go out and test the validity of them. The introduction leaves the reader with many questions, like Who is the voice that led the narrator to the book? What's in the book? The only thing I was wondering throughout was how you're telling the story of the Indian epics through, so I'm excited to find out! The only grammatical thing I saw was in the second paragraph where you put "husbands" instead of "husband's".
Kimber, I think you've come up with an excellent idea here and you've done a pretty good job on how you've gotten it started. I really hadn't expected this kind of horror story out of this class so it's really interesting and a bit exciting to see someone do it. Your narrative tone and style do an excellent job of setting the mood of the piece and I think you certainly want to keep that up in the future. My only current worry is I have many questions and this can be a good thing as you want your reader to keep reading, but I think you might want to give us a bit more foreshadowing instead of just questions. Make it clear that these things are going to play out into something bigger and give us an inkling of what that's going to be. That way, you can really surprise us when you finally give us the big reveal later. Great job so far!
Hi Kimber! I’m really digging the look of your storybook. It’s very clean, and the pictures are fantastic. I like that they are the right size to be seen without having to scroll down. I really enjoyed the way that you set up your storybook, splicing the present day ‘bedtime story’ turned adventure motif with the nosy busybodies of the past. There were some issues with certain sentences not quite flowing like they should and some minor grammatical errors, but other than that, it looks great. I saw that others had mentioned some of the tricky sentences, so I didn’t want to rehash them again. I was a little confused as to what theme from the class you were stepping off of, although I assume it is Draupadi. Maybe a little more of a hint as to what you are addressing would help? I don’t think you should lay it out clearly, but a little more of a nudge in the right direction might work. I know the suspense is great, but still..
Oh my goodness, tell me what happens next! But honestly, I was so sad when I got to the end of your page. I wanted to know what the big mystery was! I picked your story because I thought the title alone was interesting. I was curious to learn more about this "wife"! Little did I know what I was in for. The way you set this story up was wonderful. You developed the Betsy character so well, and you did it through the eyes of an entire town. The only thing I had to re read to understand was when the young, wealthy man came to town, I didn't know he had gone up to the house. Maybe you could add something about him walking up and the town never seeing him again? Other than that, I think your introduction was beautifully written. I will definitely be coming back to read about what is in that big house. The layout of your website was nice and clean, and it was easy to navigate among pages. Really great job!
Kimber, I like the premise for your story. I think it has a lot of potential and immediately grabs the reader’s attention. The ending definitely leaves the reader wanting more and wondering where the story will take us next. There are a couple of minor typos and sentence structure issues that could be changed to really drive home your point. I would recommend reading your introduction out loud and seeing if you catch any errors that way. On a different note, I wonder if you could add another page for an author’s note so that you could add some clarification about the specific tie backs to Indian epics you hope that this story will provide. I really like your idea for the introduction, so I was thinking a separate page could help clarify without detracting from what you’ve already established. What if you added the author’s note on the page following the introduction and provided a brief breakdown of how each story will tie back to your overarching theme?
This is my first storybook I've gotten to read this semester since we've previewed them in the first few weeks. Since I'm personally doing a portfolio it's nice to get to explore the other side of the spectrum. I just want to start of by saying this was a GREAT start to my introduction to storybooks. I love the picture you are using! I instantly knew it was from Disney so I instantly was intrigued. I thought you did such a fantastic job on your introduction! Were you inspired from the woman on the Haunted Mansion ride? If so, that is absolutely amazing source to base a story around! I never would have thought of taking it from a Disney ride so that's extremely creative on your part. Overall, I thought you did such a fantastic job on introduction and I'm thrilled that this was the first storybook I got to experience. I'll make sure to keep up to date with your storybook to see what comes next!
Hey, I am just replying to your comment from my introduction. Yeah Netflix really helps a lot, it has so many shows and movies. I have started watching House from the beginning. It's really interesting to watch. I have only been to India, Canada, and the Bahamas. That is not a lot but I am hoping to raise that number hopefully. I think my favorite place was Bahamas, I love the water and water sports. I am just upset that I could not go para-sailing.
I really enjoyed reading your first story! I had read your introduction previously and had no idea where the storybook was going. I really like the direction you decided to take and how you decided to tell the story. Mixing the narrator with the diary style really works!
I think your story line works really well and the ideas flow very smoothly. Even the transition between the narrator and the diary was great! However, you did have a few grammatical problems throughout the story. There weren’t any spelling problems or anything, just some flow issues and some missing commas or commas where there should be periods. A quick read through should catch them.
I’m really looking forward to how the rest of your storybook goes. I like the way you have set it up and it definitely makes me want to come back and check out the page throughout the semester!
Hi again! I checked back in to your StoryBook, and it's progressing really nicely! I can see you've done some editing, good job! Here's some feedback:
Introduction: The ladies of the town had noted Betsy's behavior...you have an extra 'to' in there.
The question of the story... ---> could you change this to "Now we must ask ourselves...."? To so bluntly state that you were just telling a story kills some of the magic to it. Part of keeping the magic going is not bluntly mentioning the obvious, but instead kind of hinting at the corners of it. :)
Same idea applies for this part: "I decided to follow this so called "voice" and found a journal." ---> Can you adjust the sentence so that we can still live in the mystery of it all? something like 'I decided to go to where it was calling me...' or "I decided to follow this quiet voice and found a journal." I think when you use quotes around voice, it lets the reader know that you're questioning the word you're using here.... have confidence, drop the quotes, and just go with it! We want to be led down this mystery path!
Such a good introduction. I love it! Goosebumps at the end of it, as I desperately look for the next story to click on. :)
When we click over to the Life of Betsy, remind us quickly that we're reading a journal book and learning from it, and then we're settled back in again. Most novelists do this, when there's a page break (chapter break), they often remind us where we're coming from (previous chapter) before moving us on to the next chapter.
Whoah. Once we get into the journal entries part of Betsy's Story, it goes so quickly! I devoured all of the entries and couldn't beleive what I was reading! It was like a fantastic mash up of Agatha Christie, Lizzie Borden, with Amba from the Mahabharata. I wasn't clear who you would link this back to, and I thought because her parents didn't beleive her about her purity, you might have been referencing a small character from the Mahabharata, Amba. She was one of the sisters set to wed Vichitraviraya, Bhishma's younger brother, but she wouldn't marry him (after Bhishma captured the sisters and took him back to his place for his younger brother, since he was celibate) because she was in love with another guy. She went to the other guy's house with Bhishma's help and blessing, but the other guy thought she had already been defiled in Bhishma's house and sent her back, unwilling to wed her. Bhishma's house then thought the same thing, she's been defiled, so I think she kills herself? And then reincarnates later as a male warrior to kill Bhishma. (WIKI link:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amba_(Mahabharata))
Anyways, your Author's note really cleared it all up, and I like how different Betsy is, and yet you were easily able to connect it all back to Sita in your Note! Very cool way that you changed everything up and turned it around, I really, really like this story! Your StoryBook has some great avenues for you to explore, I'm excited to check back in later to read some more!
The introduction is really intriguing and solid. I can tell you put a lot of thought in tying the introduction to the rest of the chapters. In the introduction, I'd suggest changing the following line: "If you didn't know any better, you'd think it was a castle. Instead, it was Betsy's castle." It might be better to add more detail about the house and grounds around it. It would help the reader get a better impression of exactly why Betsy's house is so grand. In "The Life of Betsy," I like the diary format. It gives us an internal view of a character who could be completely unsympathetic otherwise. The decision to kill her parents seems rather sudden. You could add more of an internal struggle when it comes to Betsy's decision. In terms of formatting, I'd suggest changing the font of the diary entries to make them seem older. This would help make the frame story and the diary entries more distinct.
Your introduction was one of the ones I was assigned and going into this assignment, I knew I wanted to keep reading your story and that if you weren't in my group, I wanted to keep reading your story because I had to know what happened. So I was excited when I saw your title in my group! In short, your concept for this story was great and your story followed through with what I expected. I really couldn't find a great deal wrong with your story. I think I would've written the dates in bold so there is a visual distinction between the entries. Also, the last entry didn't end with "with love, Betsy". Really, other than those two, I didn't notice anything else. Your story captivated my interest all the way through and I love where you're going with this story. In your introduction, I hate this crazy old woman, but as soon as I read her backstory, I understood who she was. I like how you wrote this in a way where you're speaking from your point of view but still able to get into Betsy's head as well. You did a really great job, so expect more comments from me!
Hi Kimber! After reading your introduction last week, I knew I had to come back and read your next installment, especially since I had been wondering about what the book turned out to be. The Introduction left off on such a cliffhanger. The first part of the story was completely heartbreaking, but it makes sense since I feel like a lot of disturbed people start out normal until something bad happens, and they snap. Poor Betsy! The only suggestion I have is to maybe consider adding more to the evolution of Betsy's decision to kill her parents. It seemed really sudden, but maybe that's what you were trying to show? In reading the first part of the story, it surprised me that Betsy went from a nice girl excited for her birthday party to a ruthless killer. The part where Betsy is describing her feelings about killing her parents ("I've seen them take their last") was chilling and impressive writing. Obviously, you've done a loosely interpreted version of Sita's story, but it really works for your story! I can't wait to hear the next installment.
Hi Kimber! I really enjoyed how mysterious your introduction was. It was interesting that the whole town took pity on her and made sure she was taken care of and suddenly there's a handsome young visitor looking for her, only his fate is as tragic as the earlier husband's.
After reading the first story, it made a little more sense. Currently, my understanding is that her habit of murdering wealthy men after marrying them for their money is a consequence of the assault that happened on the night of her eighteenth birthday, but I could be wrong. Speaking of which, I like that you used a journal entry style for your storybook; however, I also think that because it's a journal style, you may want to expound a bit more on the character's feelings. For instance it's hard to see an innocent young girl turn into a maniacal one who's ready to kill her own family. That's not the leap I would have made, but I also don't understand her reasoning.
Overall, it was great, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll put out next.
Hello Kimber! I really enjoyed your introduction! You have a lot of components in this intro that makes it super interesting and mysterious. The suspense towards the middle of the story is what really drew me into the entire plot that you were putting in from of me. I am curious about what you are going to do for the rest of the story. I did take a peek into the next story you wrote so see how you were going to set it up however I didn’t read anything yet. I am kind of hoping that there might be a ghost in this story maybe like Betsy coming back to kill one more person? Maybe some of the old husbands will come back to get there revenge or something along those lines? This intro had really made me interested into the rest of your storybook and I can’t wait to read the rest of it!
Ooooooh, how spoopy! (Yes, spoopy) What a perfect time to start reading your scary storybook! Your introduction is very well constructed and character descriptions are clear. I loved the line about how she had a odd look of joy in her eye, as if she had accomplished something. At first that didn't read to me as, "oh, right, she's the murderer" until later. I also am really digging the journal entries! It kind of makes me chuckle thinking about someone sitting down and creating evidence that they committed various murders... but it's a story so I'll let that go. It could be interesting if you tried to edit the entries and make them a little bit harder to crack. It would give your lead character some action to apply in figuring out the murders! I think it's overall a very strong concept, but if you wanted to make the journal entries a little bit more authentic, I would suggest researching the cadence of writing in the late 19th century! Right now it's pretty contemporary, which also works, but it could be a fun challenge to write with a different time period in mind!
Hi Kimber! Wow, what an amazing and eerie story. I was blown away by your writing. Many people, including myself, try to write stories that give off a scary vibe but fail to do so. However, I believed that you did that effortlessly. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. You managed to provide a backstory for Betsy that showed us, the audience, how she came to be the way she is. I like diary format of your storybook. It helps the reader to really know what Betsy is thinking. I like the layout of your website as well. It gives off a calming feel to it while the story is anything but. My only critique is on the navigation of your site. The order was a little bit confusing since the dates don’t line up. I do not know it that was intentional or not but in case it wasn’t, I believe the order should be: “Introduction”, “The life of Betsy”, and then “A New Beginning”. Overall, I think you did a great job on creating a haunting story for the readers. Keep up the good work!
Your very first sentence for your introduction is incredible. I already have so many question! Who is the narrator? Who is Betsy? Why did she kill her husbands? I am already incredibly interested in what is happening after only this first paragraph! I also really like how you set this in a journal/diary format. After reading your first paragraph I think a journal is one of the best ways to document whatever you end up doing. I also really like the fact that you have several diary entries within one story instead of having one story that you turned into one diary entry. Each entry only gives you one little puzzle piece and lets you feel more of what the character may have been feeling. Where as if you'd had one long entry it would have just been a story in a story. Love this! I can't wait to read more!
Wow! Amazement was my first reaction to reading to your story. It was very dramatic and filled with emotion. I found Betsy to be a very well thought out character from both your introduction and story. I like it how you give a background story to her. Keep up the journals, this is a very unique way of tell stories as to what I have seen so far. I love that you have a theme going.Also I found one grammatical error from the story, for "time for may parents to knew what happened on what should've been" I believe you meant to say "time for my parents to know what happened on what should've been". Your Author's note was great. I explained where you got the idea for your story and you related your own story to the original.
Hi Kimber. Every week, I've chosen to keep coming back to your story because I am fascinated by Betsy and want to hear more about her. You always leave the stories on a cliff hanger, which is perfect for retaining readers. I read "A New Beginning" this week, and I'm always impressed with your use of detail. I could picture walking into Betsy's new home--the sound the hardwood floor would make when you walk on it, the shiny piano, and thanks to your picture, I could see the beautiful ceiling that Betsy loved. You seem to know exactly how the story should develop. Last time, it was Betsy's dilemma with her parents and now you've added another mysterious conflict. The strange woman that Betsy meets at the food market seems to know her past. The way you introduce weird new problems into the story is effortless and I'm always impressed with your stories! Can't wait to see what happens next...
In your introduction, I felt like I was yelling at a horror movie.. Don't go to the castle! Of course, they always go to the castle or there is no story. Then he starts to read her journal.... creepy!! I feel like this is the beginning of a Nancy Drew or Sherlock Holmes novel. Some grammar things I would change are:
"There is so much that I have to tell and yet there is so little time due to my parents wishing to send away after what happened last week." I would add the word me between send and away.
"I decided it was time for may parents to knew what happened on what should've been one of the greatest nights of my life." I would change knew to know.
For whatever reason, people don't seem to be accepting of the news that a woman has been raped. It is really heartbreaking to read about what Betsy is going through.
Things are getting crazy in Betsy's life! She has a great alibi. I like that the boy is just referred to as scum. That's what he is. I can't wait to read more about Betsy's adventures and her future quests.
Ah! What an exciting introduction! The setting is so clear, and you did an excellent job of cluing us in to what kind of town and people we’re looking at here. (One of my favorite lines for added detail: “They all did the Christian thing people did back in those days…” I also loved the image of the young gentleman arriving by train.) Okay, moving on to Chapter 1. Very excited.
The journal format works well for what you’re doing, since it shows us Betsy’s inner thoughts bit by bit. At the same time, I think it makes for a really jarring transition when she goes from hurting (“tears streaming” down her face, innocent and confused) to vengeful. Taking a few lines to show how Betsy comes to the conclusion that revenge is the best course after all will help make that character change more powerful. It can also make us more sympathetic toward Betsy; if we know what’s going through her head as she decides to start killing those around her, we might even be on her side a little, or at least conflicted. And oh! My favorite creepy detail from this chapter: “It was almost as if it all came full circle…they had seen me take my first breath and now I’ve seen them take their last.” *shivers*
Such an original storybook! Thanks--I can’t wait to keep reading.
Hello Kimber, I just read your story “Blooming Life” from “The House to a Wife of Many” and I really enjoyed it. I am a big fan of the concept you are doing in this story with the journal. I thought it was really funny the the man in the story kept thinking to himself that being in the house made him feel like he was breaking some sort of law. I found this ironic because he actually was breaking a law. I’m not sure if you did that on purpose or not but if so you have a great sense of humor. I think the introduction did a phenomenal job of setting up the rest of the stories and building anticipation for the reader. Overall I did not see any grammatical errors or anything else that needs revision. It appears that you are an experienced writer and that you know what you’re doing.
Wow! I like your creepy stories. I wish I had found your storybook a couple weeks ago for Halloween. They are very loosely based on our readings, but once I read a couple of your stories, I caught on to the inspirations you were feeling. I particularly liked your first story because it presents an alternate way that Sita could have reacted to her terrible situation. After reading these old texts, I often wonder how the stories would have played out in a different time or setting. Adding the parents' reactions to the story really created another layer of disturbance that relates to Rama's treatment of Sita. Your style of writing is quite easy to read, but I wonder if Betsy's character would be speaking in that style if she lived over one hundred years ago. I will definitely check back in to read more, but so far it sounds like Betsy is as evil and crazy as all of the townspeople thought!
Your storybook is so well written. The introduction was a great opening. I love that you started with an old story. Was is just a myth or is there more to it? It was a great way to give backstory while also spiking the curiosity of your readers. I also love that the first story was a journal entry. I know I already had my mind made up about Betsy and I’m sure most other readers did too after the intro. However, once you start to see things from Betsy’s point of view, you remember that you don’t have all the details! When I read Betsey’s story I was shocked and disgusted for her. Poor girl! We see now why she has hate in her heart and we have a pretty good idea of what happened to those men who mysteriously died. As we continue to follow Betsy’s life through her journal entries, I only got more curious! I’m excited to come back and see what happened once she marries Mr. Witherbee!
You immediately had me hooked. There were so man twists and turns that I didn't expect at all! I liked the way you kept me on my toes while I read. I was shocked when that man took advantage of her and truly felt so sad for her. Then, when her parents didn't believe her I was just enraged! Why would she lie about such a thing? And finally, when she decided to kill all three of them, my jaw dropped. That seemed very drastic to result to murder, but made the story very interesting. I saw a few typos in your story. You may try reading aloud, that always helps me to catch small errors!! Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I am very eager to read more from your storybook when I get the chance. I wonder what other twists you'll throw at your readers next? Wonderful job!
I'm back! Last time I believe I was only able to read your introduction, and now after reading through all the stories, it's really coming together. I mentioned this previously, but the journal format is an excellent way for the reader to get a look at Betsy's inner thoughts and feelings and clarified a lot of questions I had. I also like that it's not just the reader who gets to react to Betsy's life, but also the main character of the story who discovered the journal in the first place. As I went through your author's notes for the different stories, I found it really interesting that you drew from such a variety of sources. Using Ram and Sita's meeting as the inspiration for the quick marriage, and also the idea of using Bride for a Dead Man as the tale behind Betsy's crucial choice were wonderful decisions on your part. You've done an amazing job, and I hope to be back to read more of your work soon!
I love the theme of your storybook! It is so fascinating and intriguing! I am so glad I got a chance to read it. You do a wonderful job of drawing the suspense and keeping the reader on their toes waiting to find out more of Betsy’s secrets! I wrote a story from one of the sources you chose, A Flowering Tree and Other Oral Tales from India. I wrote about the story “The cannibal sister” and I thought this Betsy character was right out of that story. I made mine into a girl whose lovers kept dying (i.e. she murdered them without knowing). If you need another story to write, this could be an interesting one to weave into it. I honestly don’t have any suggestions for you. Maybe play around with website themes to make the background a little more eerie to fit the mood? Anyway, I love the way the stories flow and I’m glad I stumbled upon your storybook this week.
Hey Kimber! I really enjoyed your storybook! I only read the first story but I found my jaw kept dropping the entire time. I was in shock when she so casually suggested how she might have future problems that she would have to "take care of" How eerie! I couldn't imagine someone killing their parents but I suppose it has happened. I wish we could have had more details about the killing to make it seem really creepy. She could have watched the blood ooze out of them and begun to smile, etc. I think that would have made the story darker. I really do enjoy the diary entries that you have chosen to make. This way we can really get an insight into Betsy's world. I agree with McKenzie though, the background is much cheerier than the actual story content. Maybe you could make it a darker or deeper color? That could help create more of a scarier effect. Great job though!
This is the first time I've been back in a while and wow I love what you've done! I was very confused about who exactly Betsy was supposed to be based on, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was Sita and not Draupadi like I had thought! I really like how you blended different parts of Sita's story to make Betsy's story! It was very cool to see your interpretation of everything. I was a little confused in the first story as to where some of the similarities were so I liked how you included that in the author's note but it would be nice to have even more fleshing out of that because I was still slightly confused. I also really like the layout of the website; it's very clean and pretty! The pictures are very nice too and help work with your descriptions so I can picture the house! But overall, great storybook! I love it and can't wait to hear the conclusion!
I enjoyed this piece more than anything I have read lately. I think you did an amazing job at drawing in the readers from the introduction on. After I read your whole storybook I just wanted to keep reading and there was nothing more to read. I hope you keep up with this blog or chose to write based on this subject some more. There was a few times were some paragraphs seemed a little long so maybe work on cutting some writing down and taking out the things that are unnecessary. Also work on a few small grammatical errors throughout the storybook. Maybe try reading it out loud or having someone else read it before posting it and this should fix the tiny little errors. Otherwise, like I said you did a great job! I really enjoyed the piece and would love to read more. Please keep writing, especially these murder mystery type stories!
Notes on “A New Beginning” and “Blooming Love”: I really liked this as a bridge between the previous story and the next. I remember feeling like Betsy’s snap into homicide was kind of sudden, so I’m glad we get to see her reflecting on it afterwards. Nice details describing the house, too—the piano, especially, serves as great connecting point between past and present, and beautiful settings can be especially perfect for spooky stories! And judging by the old woman’s ominous prophecy, this is about to get spooky. The opening of each story, where we get to see your present-day narrator reacting and exploring, is one of my favorite parts of this storybook. You did a marvelous job setting up the world in your introduction, and I hope you keep capitalizing on it in future stories! At the end of “Blooming Love”, I’m still caught waiting for something…murderous, to happen! I hadn’t expected a Rama and Sita story. I’m excited to see where you take it next.
Hey Kimber! Wow, another interesting turn for Betsy in "Blooming Life." She never thought she would find love, but that weird old lady turned out to be right. The strange woman's identity is never reveled though... Who was she? Or maybe it's better to leave a mystery unsolved. I like the nod to Rama and Sita's first meeting in "Blooming Life," how Betsy meets Charles. The only typo I saw was right before the section titled 2 March 1894: "to complete my (insert a word here!) with Betsy."
In the last section, it's so disturbing to be rooting for Charles and Betsy and the same time. Like Betsy is clearly crazy but we still feel sorry for her when Charles keeps asking her about her past. Her actions seem so calculated and intentional, that it makes her killing him seem logical, when it is actually really terrifying. It takes good writing to pull that off, so good job on this one. Since you've been ending your chapters with a cliff hanger, I bet it would make your story more chilling if you left us worrying about Betsy and/or her town. What if she finds another man? What if the town begins to wonder about Betsy?
Hello Kimber! It’s been awhile since the last time I read your storybook! I originally only read your introduction which left me very curious about where you would go with the story as a whole. Since reading the entirety of your storybook it was very interesting and drama packed. I very much enjoyed the read! I really liked the way you were able to express the way she felt after she was assaulted and how the impact of her parents was the driving factor of Betsy going way off the deep end! You really shocked me when Betsy had whittled it down to the only option was to kill her parents and assaulter just to get away from the situation. That shock and drama with it was what really drew me into the rest of your story. I also think that if you didn’t add in the old lady coming into the story to talk to her then she would have never killed Charles. So that part I really liked! Great job on your storybook!
Hi, Kimber! Normally, I would forget the author of the stories that I read, but not yours. I was so intrigued the first time that I read your story and so when I had a free choice, I knew I had to come back to yours. I also like how your story incorporates the lives of two people. I feel as if this makes the story more interesting since you get to read the story through two different point of views.
BLOOMING LIFE “I step up to it, as if its tempting me to tickle it's ivories.” Change its to it’s since you are trying to say “it is tempting me to…”
A HAUNTING END “I took those out and headed back to the bed to complete my with Betsy.” I believe you forgot to add a word between “my” and “with”. Perhaps it was journey?
It’s interesting to read about how Betsy portrays her feelings after killing her husband. In a way, it’s a bit ironic. Betsy feels sad at the fact that she killed the man that she loved but she is fine with it knowing that she did it to keep herself safe. Again, I really enjoyed reading through your storybook. It was filled with so many interesting horror aspects that left me wanting more. Keep up the good work!
Morghan! What a fantastic storybook! I went ahead and finished reading the entire thing, since I just had to know how it all ended! I absolutely loved the direction you took with your stories. I like that you continued to insert a little bit of an insight from the narrator, which helped me remember that someone was trying to find out the truth. I also really liked that you left the reader to decide what they believed to be the truth. You did it in a great way, having a cliff hanger but not necessarily making us beg for more. Great job. Overall, everything looked great. There were a few minor grammar issues, mostly dealing with words that I think just got dropped during some editing. They weren’t serious, but they did kind of interrupt the flow. Just a quick read through should catch them! Thanks for writing such a fantastic storybook! Good luck with the end of your semester!
Hey, Kimber! I know I keep showing up on your comment wall, but I just keep wanting to know what happened! I loved the ending you provided. "A Haunting End" was beautifully written. I only saw two mistakes that confused me:
paragraph one "I took those out and headed back to the bed to complete my with Betsy." - was it suppose to be "...to complete my snack with Betsy"?
The years seem to switch from 1894 to 1984. Was it all suppose to happen within the same year?
Besides those two, this was such a fun read! I especially loved the ending you provided. From the beginning, I thought she was justified to kill the man that raped her, and even her parents because they were so cruel to her. However, her loving husband that just wanted to know what her life was like? Oh, that's so scary! I feel like if I was her, I would've just made something up and burned that journal. Anyway, I loved reading your story throughout the semester. I think you did a really great job with it!
I'm glad that I was able to read through all of the stories in one sitting, because they're truly entertaining! I love rooting for the uh.... unlikely hero. You seem to have a knack for murder/mystery types! I connected with the opening line of your last story, A Haunting End, because I felt so similarly! I truly joined Betsy's world and it sure is dark. I especially love the attention to detail on seemingly mundane tasks, for example "That's when I remembered that I had brought my backpack with me for my adventure. I take out the flashlight and checked to make sure the batteries were working. As I was getting ready to finished the journal, my stomach started making the oddest noise I've heard. Luckily, I threw in some granola bars and other snacks to hold me over for the day. I munched on them as I headed back to the bed to complete my journey with Betsy." Those small details that aren't exactly needed for the plot (checking to see if the batteries work) really bring life to the writing. It makes your text unique and entirely you. I really enjoyed reading your storybook, wow! I hope you feel as accomplished as you deserve :)
Kimber, I've always chosen each week to come back and read your story because I just love the original character of Betsy. It's amazing how you've managed to build so much suspense with under 1000 words. Last time I read your final chapter, it was unfinished, but I'm glad you've chosen to end this chapter like the rest--full of suspense and speculation on the reader's part.
The only thing that could help your story a little more is to perhaps move the pictures to places in your text where they come up. For instance, the ladder comes up in the last chapter where Betsy decides to push her husband off of it. You could move it up to that place in the text. Other than that, it looks and sounds really great.
Thank you for giving us such a great murder-mystery-romance story that we can connect to. I like how you've given the reader to decide what comes next in Betsy's story. Maybe she's found another man in another town? We'll never know.
I returned to your storybook to finish reading the last few stories and finally find out whether or not Betsy kills her husbands. Overall, I like what you done with this murder mystery, but the author's notes don't seem to connect your stories with the Indian epics as well as they could. For instance, in A New Beginning the original story proposes more of a choice for the character while in your story Betsy seems to receive more of a warning than a choice. Perhaps you could just alter the dialogue that the old lady has to rephrase it more into a choice. Maybe you could even include that if she chose to tell her husband that he would die an untimely death similar to the young prince. I also noticed a typo with the dates in a Haunting end. The middle two posts say that the year is 1984 instead of 1894. Still, I don't want you to think that I don't like your stories. They are certainly some of the most entertaining in our class's storybooks.
HI! I've read the very first post from your storybook earlier in the semester and really loved it so I decided for the last project feedback I'd read your storybook again! The theme of your story really captures your readers attention. You picked a theme that gave you so many interesting writing possibilities. I've only read "The Life of Betsy" and "A New Beginning" but I want to try to finish your storybook before the semester is over. I didn't catch any typos in your story, so that's awesome! Also I love how mysterious Betsy is in her new town. She is so sure that she's gotten away with the crime she's committed. And then when you added the part about the old woman telling her she would fall in love and mentioning her past, my jaw dropped. It was one of those "dun dun duuunnnn" moments. Thank you for being so creative with your storybook and sharing it with us!!
You did a really great job with the layout. It may seem simple to some but the simplicity makes it easy for the reader to focus on the story. Also I just love plain layouts with simple designs… Anyways, I really enjoyed reading your stories. I think you did a really good job jumping into the perspective of the character. Your attention to detail and ability to draw a picture in my head is truly amazing. I think you did a great job letting the voice of the character come through. It makes the story seem very real and almost as if this could be someone’s blog posts or actual dairy instead of a story. I think the length of your stories makes it easy for the reader to follow. Also the number of stories was great! Although I would be interested in the next story you would have written! Great job on this and good luck with dead week and finals!
Yaaaassss! Mystery story! I'm so happy that I chose to look at your story, Kimber! "The House To A Wife Of Many" is a g-r-e-a-t title! It's what drew me in, and when I saw the image of the "Haunted Mansion" on the front page, I started to get excited. Your introduction was well written, and crafted a winding road leading the reader further and further into the world that you're creating. I was a little startled that we (we as the reader and you as the voice, so "we") jumped over to you packing up to go check out the house tonight...... "Oh, OK" I thought as I read it, a little saddened that we were no longer living in the story land of setting up the information about the old woman, we now suddenly transitioned to real-time, and going on an adventure to the house. Something about that transition felt not quite smoothe...... However, when I got to the end, and found out there was a journal to read..... YAAASSSS!!!! I was immediately ecstatic again. So, I would suggest some thinking about the middle transition portion, but otherwise -- brilliant idea for your storybook! I love it! I particularly love that it's coinciding with the upcoming Halloween festivities, and fall, and so the ambiance for reading this story is going to be just great. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI love how suspenseful and slightly horror-themed your introduction is! It is very intriguing! I am very curious to know whether this story is based on Draupadi? She was the only "wife of many" I could think of, but I am very excited to see how this story will turn out! I also really love the layout of your site! It's very clean and neat. The haunted mansion and gilded journal pictures are also very pretty as well! I was a little confused at first about the story but I also kind of like being thrown in to figure it out myself! Maybe a bit more background detail would be nice too, but I'm not sure how you would be able to fit that in with the introduction you have going. Anyway, I really like the premise for your storybook and can't wait to read the rest of it!
ReplyDeleteAt first I couldn't tell where you were taking the story but after finishing the introduction I think I'm loving it! The suspense is killing me!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that caught me a little off guard is that I was assuming the woman in the house was an old lady by the time her husband died so I was like, "why is no one in the town questioning why a young handsome man wants to marry an old woman?" So maybe put a little more clarity (without giving too much of the mystery away) and give a little more information about the woman in the house.
-->"The paper read how he tragically dies by falling off his roof. He died due to his injuries after being in a coma for many days. The paper said that he is only survived by his wife, Betsy, and his whole life savings would go to his beloved."
These sentences are just a tid bit hard to follow. Maybe you could say, "The headline read Man tragically falls to his death."
Other than those minor details I enjoyed reading your introduction. I will have to come back to find out how it ends!
Hey Kimber! I think that the premise for your stories is fabulous! Very rarely do you have a horror story storybook written, so I think that it is a great twist on all of these stories we are reading! I look forward to seeing what is really going on with all of this woman’s husbands. I would highly recommend that you reread the intro though because I found several grammatical errors. Most are super simple to fix, for example, your last sentence “I opened it an could not believe my eyes,” instead of “I opened it and could not believe my eyes. I will definitely be coming back to read your stories though because of how well you piqued my interest with your introduction! I also really like the photo you chose for this page because it evokes lots of creepy feelings and a great setting for the readers’ mind.
ReplyDeleteHey Kimber! When I first read the title of your blog, I definitely had no idea where it was going, and was surprised (in a good way)! I like the suspense you built up in your introduction. Using phrases like "terrible accident" and "tragically dies" really sets the tone. The unique thing about stories is how they are passed down from generation to generation, and you've captured this perfectly. But the cool thing about your narrator is that he/she doesn't just listen to the stories and accept them; he/she wants to go out and test the validity of them. The introduction leaves the reader with many questions, like Who is the voice that led the narrator to the book? What's in the book? The only thing I was wondering throughout was how you're telling the story of the Indian epics through, so I'm excited to find out! The only grammatical thing I saw was in the second paragraph where you put "husbands" instead of "husband's".
ReplyDeleteKimber, I think you've come up with an excellent idea here and you've done a pretty good job on how you've gotten it started. I really hadn't expected this kind of horror story out of this class so it's really interesting and a bit exciting to see someone do it. Your narrative tone and style do an excellent job of setting the mood of the piece and I think you certainly want to keep that up in the future. My only current worry is I have many questions and this can be a good thing as you want your reader to keep reading, but I think you might want to give us a bit more foreshadowing instead of just questions. Make it clear that these things are going to play out into something bigger and give us an inkling of what that's going to be. That way, you can really surprise us when you finally give us the big reveal later. Great job so far!
ReplyDeleteHi Kimber! I’m really digging the look of your storybook. It’s very clean, and the pictures are fantastic. I like that they are the right size to be seen without having to scroll down. I really enjoyed the way that you set up your storybook, splicing the present day ‘bedtime story’ turned adventure motif with the nosy busybodies of the past. There were some issues with certain sentences not quite flowing like they should and some minor grammatical errors, but other than that, it looks great. I saw that others had mentioned some of the tricky sentences, so I didn’t want to rehash them again.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused as to what theme from the class you were stepping off of, although I assume it is Draupadi. Maybe a little more of a hint as to what you are addressing would help? I don’t think you should lay it out clearly, but a little more of a nudge in the right direction might work. I know the suspense is great, but still..
Oh my goodness, tell me what happens next!
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, I was so sad when I got to the end of your page. I wanted to know what the big mystery was! I picked your story because I thought the title alone was interesting. I was curious to learn more about this "wife"! Little did I know what I was in for. The way you set this story up was wonderful. You developed the Betsy character so well, and you did it through the eyes of an entire town. The only thing I had to re read to understand was when the young, wealthy man came to town, I didn't know he had gone up to the house. Maybe you could add something about him walking up and the town never seeing him again? Other than that, I think your introduction was beautifully written. I will definitely be coming back to read about what is in that big house. The layout of your website was nice and clean, and it was easy to navigate among pages. Really great job!
Kimber, I like the premise for your story. I think it has a lot of potential and immediately grabs the reader’s attention. The ending definitely leaves the reader wanting more and wondering where the story will take us next. There are a couple of minor typos and sentence structure issues that could be changed to really drive home your point. I would recommend reading your introduction out loud and seeing if you catch any errors that way. On a different note, I wonder if you could add another page for an author’s note so that you could add some clarification about the specific tie backs to Indian epics you hope that this story will provide. I really like your idea for the introduction, so I was thinking a separate page could help clarify without detracting from what you’ve already established. What if you added the author’s note on the page following the introduction and provided a brief breakdown of how each story will tie back to your overarching theme?
ReplyDeleteThis is my first storybook I've gotten to read this semester since we've previewed them in the first few weeks. Since I'm personally doing a portfolio it's nice to get to explore the other side of the spectrum. I just want to start of by saying this was a GREAT start to my introduction to storybooks. I love the picture you are using! I instantly knew it was from Disney so I instantly was intrigued. I thought you did such a fantastic job on your introduction! Were you inspired from the woman on the Haunted Mansion ride? If so, that is absolutely amazing source to base a story around! I never would have thought of taking it from a Disney ride so that's extremely creative on your part. Overall, I thought you did such a fantastic job on introduction and I'm thrilled that this was the first storybook I got to experience. I'll make sure to keep up to date with your storybook to see what comes next!
ReplyDeleteHey, I am just replying to your comment from my introduction. Yeah Netflix really helps a lot, it has so many shows and movies. I have started watching House from the beginning. It's really interesting to watch. I have only been to India, Canada, and the Bahamas. That is not a lot but I am hoping to raise that number hopefully. I think my favorite place was Bahamas, I love the water and water sports. I am just upset that I could not go para-sailing.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your first story! I had read your introduction previously and had no idea where the storybook was going. I really like the direction you decided to take and how you decided to tell the story. Mixing the narrator with the diary style really works!
ReplyDeleteI think your story line works really well and the ideas flow very smoothly. Even the transition between the narrator and the diary was great! However, you did have a few grammatical problems throughout the story. There weren’t any spelling problems or anything, just some flow issues and some missing commas or commas where there should be periods. A quick read through should catch them.
I’m really looking forward to how the rest of your storybook goes. I like the way you have set it up and it definitely makes me want to come back and check out the page throughout the semester!
Hi again! I checked back in to your StoryBook, and it's progressing really nicely! I can see you've done some editing, good job! Here's some feedback:
ReplyDeleteIntroduction:
The ladies of the town had noted Betsy's behavior...you have an extra 'to' in there.
The question of the story... ---> could you change this to "Now we must ask ourselves...."? To so bluntly state that you were just telling a story kills some of the magic to it. Part of keeping the magic going is not bluntly mentioning the obvious, but instead kind of hinting at the corners of it. :)
Same idea applies for this part: "I decided to follow this so called "voice" and found a journal." ---> Can you adjust the sentence so that we can still live in the mystery of it all? something like 'I decided to go to where it was calling me...' or "I decided to follow this quiet voice and found a journal." I think when you use quotes around voice, it lets the reader know that you're questioning the word you're using here.... have confidence, drop the quotes, and just go with it! We want to be led down this mystery path!
Such a good introduction. I love it! Goosebumps at the end of it, as I desperately look for the next story to click on. :)
When we click over to the Life of Betsy, remind us quickly that we're reading a journal book and learning from it, and then we're settled back in again. Most novelists do this, when there's a page break (chapter break), they often remind us where we're coming from (previous chapter) before moving us on to the next chapter.
Whoah. Once we get into the journal entries part of Betsy's Story, it goes so quickly! I devoured all of the entries and couldn't beleive what I was reading! It was like a fantastic mash up of Agatha Christie, Lizzie Borden, with Amba from the Mahabharata. I wasn't clear who you would link this back to, and I thought because her parents didn't beleive her about her purity, you might have been referencing a small character from the Mahabharata, Amba. She was one of the sisters set to wed Vichitraviraya, Bhishma's younger brother, but she wouldn't marry him (after Bhishma captured the sisters and took him back to his place for his younger brother, since he was celibate) because she was in love with another guy. She went to the other guy's house with Bhishma's help and blessing, but the other guy thought she had already been defiled in Bhishma's house and sent her back, unwilling to wed her. Bhishma's house then thought the same thing, she's been defiled, so I think she kills herself? And then reincarnates later as a male warrior to kill Bhishma. (WIKI link:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amba_(Mahabharata))
Anyways, your Author's note really cleared it all up, and I like how different Betsy is, and yet you were easily able to connect it all back to Sita in your Note! Very cool way that you changed everything up and turned it around, I really, really like this story! Your StoryBook has some great avenues for you to explore, I'm excited to check back in later to read some more!
The introduction is really intriguing and solid. I can tell you put a lot of thought in tying the introduction to the rest of the chapters.
ReplyDeleteIn the introduction, I'd suggest changing the following line: "If you didn't know any better, you'd think it was a castle. Instead, it was Betsy's castle." It might be better to add more detail about the house and grounds around it. It would help the reader get a better impression of exactly why Betsy's house is so grand.
In "The Life of Betsy," I like the diary format. It gives us an internal view of a character who could be completely unsympathetic otherwise. The decision to kill her parents seems rather sudden. You could add more of an internal struggle when it comes to Betsy's decision.
In terms of formatting, I'd suggest changing the font of the diary entries to make them seem older. This would help make the frame story and the diary entries more distinct.
Your introduction was one of the ones I was assigned and going into this assignment, I knew I wanted to keep reading your story and that if you weren't in my group, I wanted to keep reading your story because I had to know what happened. So I was excited when I saw your title in my group! In short, your concept for this story was great and your story followed through with what I expected. I really couldn't find a great deal wrong with your story. I think I would've written the dates in bold so there is a visual distinction between the entries. Also, the last entry didn't end with "with love, Betsy". Really, other than those two, I didn't notice anything else. Your story captivated my interest all the way through and I love where you're going with this story. In your introduction, I hate this crazy old woman, but as soon as I read her backstory, I understood who she was. I like how you wrote this in a way where you're speaking from your point of view but still able to get into Betsy's head as well. You did a really great job, so expect more comments from me!
ReplyDeleteHi Kimber! After reading your introduction last week, I knew I had to come back and read your next installment, especially since I had been wondering about what the book turned out to be. The Introduction left off on such a cliffhanger. The first part of the story was completely heartbreaking, but it makes sense since I feel like a lot of disturbed people start out normal until something bad happens, and they snap. Poor Betsy! The only suggestion I have is to maybe consider adding more to the evolution of Betsy's decision to kill her parents. It seemed really sudden, but maybe that's what you were trying to show? In reading the first part of the story, it surprised me that Betsy went from a nice girl excited for her birthday party to a ruthless killer. The part where Betsy is describing her feelings about killing her parents ("I've seen them take their last") was chilling and impressive writing. Obviously, you've done a loosely interpreted version of Sita's story, but it really works for your story! I can't wait to hear the next installment.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimber! I really enjoyed how mysterious your introduction was. It was interesting that the whole town took pity on her and made sure she was taken care of and suddenly there's a handsome young visitor looking for her, only his fate is as tragic as the earlier husband's.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the first story, it made a little more sense. Currently, my understanding is that her habit of murdering wealthy men after marrying them for their money is a consequence of the assault that happened on the night of her eighteenth birthday, but I could be wrong. Speaking of which, I like that you used a journal entry style for your storybook; however, I also think that because it's a journal style, you may want to expound a bit more on the character's feelings. For instance it's hard to see an innocent young girl turn into a maniacal one who's ready to kill her own family. That's not the leap I would have made, but I also don't understand her reasoning.
Overall, it was great, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll put out next.
Hello Kimber! I really enjoyed your introduction! You have a lot of components in this intro that makes it super interesting and mysterious. The suspense towards the middle of the story is what really drew me into the entire plot that you were putting in from of me. I am curious about what you are going to do for the rest of the story. I did take a peek into the next story you wrote so see how you were going to set it up however I didn’t read anything yet. I am kind of hoping that there might be a ghost in this story maybe like Betsy coming back to kill one more person? Maybe some of the old husbands will come back to get there revenge or something along those lines? This intro had really made me interested into the rest of your storybook and I can’t wait to read the rest of it!
ReplyDeleteOoooooh, how spoopy! (Yes, spoopy)
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect time to start reading your scary storybook! Your introduction is very well constructed and character descriptions are clear. I loved the line about how she had a odd look of joy in her eye, as if she had accomplished something. At first that didn't read to me as, "oh, right, she's the murderer" until later. I also am really digging the journal entries! It kind of makes me chuckle thinking about someone sitting down and creating evidence that they committed various murders... but it's a story so I'll let that go. It could be interesting if you tried to edit the entries and make them a little bit harder to crack. It would give your lead character some action to apply in figuring out the murders! I think it's overall a very strong concept, but if you wanted to make the journal entries a little bit more authentic, I would suggest researching the cadence of writing in the late 19th century! Right now it's pretty contemporary, which also works, but it could be a fun challenge to write with a different time period in mind!
Hi Kimber! Wow, what an amazing and eerie story. I was blown away by your writing. Many people, including myself, try to write stories that give off a scary vibe but fail to do so. However, I believed that you did that effortlessly. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. You managed to provide a backstory for Betsy that showed us, the audience, how she came to be the way she is. I like diary format of your storybook. It helps the reader to really know what Betsy is thinking. I like the layout of your website as well. It gives off a calming feel to it while the story is anything but. My only critique is on the navigation of your site. The order was a little bit confusing since the dates don’t line up. I do not know it that was intentional or not but in case it wasn’t, I believe the order should be: “Introduction”, “The life of Betsy”, and then “A New Beginning”. Overall, I think you did a great job on creating a haunting story for the readers. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteYour very first sentence for your introduction is incredible. I already have so many question! Who is the narrator? Who is Betsy? Why did she kill her husbands? I am already incredibly interested in what is happening after only this first paragraph! I also really like how you set this in a journal/diary format. After reading your first paragraph I think a journal is one of the best ways to document whatever you end up doing. I also really like the fact that you have several diary entries within one story instead of having one story that you turned into one diary entry. Each entry only gives you one little puzzle piece and lets you feel more of what the character may have been feeling. Where as if you'd had one long entry it would have just been a story in a story. Love this! I can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteWow! Amazement was my first reaction to reading to your story. It was very dramatic and filled with emotion. I found Betsy to be a very well thought out character from both your introduction and story. I like it how you give a background story to her. Keep up the journals, this is a very unique way of tell stories as to what I have seen so far. I love that you have a theme going.Also I found one grammatical error from the story, for "time for may parents to knew what happened on what should've been" I believe you meant to say "time for my parents to know what happened on what should've been". Your Author's note was great. I explained where you got the idea for your story and you related your own story to the original.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimber. Every week, I've chosen to keep coming back to your story because I am fascinated by Betsy and want to hear more about her. You always leave the stories on a cliff hanger, which is perfect for retaining readers. I read "A New Beginning" this week, and I'm always impressed with your use of detail. I could picture walking into Betsy's new home--the sound the hardwood floor would make when you walk on it, the shiny piano, and thanks to your picture, I could see the beautiful ceiling that Betsy loved. You seem to know exactly how the story should develop. Last time, it was Betsy's dilemma with her parents and now you've added another mysterious conflict. The strange woman that Betsy meets at the food market seems to know her past. The way you introduce weird new problems into the story is effortless and I'm always impressed with your stories! Can't wait to see what happens next...
ReplyDeleteIn your introduction, I felt like I was yelling at a horror movie.. Don't go to the castle! Of course, they always go to the castle or there is no story. Then he starts to read her journal.... creepy!! I feel like this is the beginning of a Nancy Drew or Sherlock Holmes novel. Some grammar things I would change are:
ReplyDelete"There is so much that I have to tell and yet there is so little time due to my parents wishing to send away after what happened last week." I would add the word me between send and away.
"I decided it was time for may parents to knew what happened on what should've been one of the greatest nights of my life." I would change knew to know.
For whatever reason, people don't seem to be accepting of the news that a woman has been raped. It is really heartbreaking to read about what Betsy is going through.
Things are getting crazy in Betsy's life! She has a great alibi. I like that the boy is just referred to as scum. That's what he is. I can't wait to read more about Betsy's adventures and her future quests.
Ah! What an exciting introduction! The setting is so clear, and you did an excellent job of cluing us in to what kind of town and people we’re looking at here. (One of my favorite lines for added detail: “They all did the Christian thing people did back in those days…” I also loved the image of the young gentleman arriving by train.) Okay, moving on to Chapter 1. Very excited.
ReplyDeleteThe journal format works well for what you’re doing, since it shows us Betsy’s inner thoughts bit by bit. At the same time, I think it makes for a really jarring transition when she goes from hurting (“tears streaming” down her face, innocent and confused) to vengeful. Taking a few lines to show how Betsy comes to the conclusion that revenge is the best course after all will help make that character change more powerful. It can also make us more sympathetic toward Betsy; if we know what’s going through her head as she decides to start killing those around her, we might even be on her side a little, or at least conflicted. And oh! My favorite creepy detail from this chapter: “It was almost as if it all came full circle…they had seen me take my first breath and now I’ve seen them take their last.” *shivers*
Such an original storybook! Thanks--I can’t wait to keep reading.
Hello Kimber,
ReplyDeleteI just read your story “Blooming Life” from “The House to a Wife of Many” and I really enjoyed it. I am a big fan of the concept you are doing in this story with the journal. I thought it was really funny the the man in the story kept thinking to himself that being in the house made him feel like he was breaking some sort of law. I found this ironic because he actually was breaking a law. I’m not sure if you did that on purpose or not but if so you have a great sense of humor. I think the introduction did a phenomenal job of setting up the rest of the stories and building anticipation for the reader. Overall I did not see any grammatical errors or anything else that needs revision. It appears that you are an experienced writer and that you know what you’re doing.
Wow! I like your creepy stories. I wish I had found your storybook a couple weeks ago for Halloween. They are very loosely based on our readings, but once I read a couple of your stories, I caught on to the inspirations you were feeling. I particularly liked your first story because it presents an alternate way that Sita could have reacted to her terrible situation. After reading these old texts, I often wonder how the stories would have played out in a different time or setting. Adding the parents' reactions to the story really created another layer of disturbance that relates to Rama's treatment of Sita. Your style of writing is quite easy to read, but I wonder if Betsy's character would be speaking in that style if she lived over one hundred years ago. I will definitely check back in to read more, but so far it sounds like Betsy is as evil and crazy as all of the townspeople thought!
ReplyDeleteYour storybook is so well written. The introduction was a great opening. I love that you started with an old story. Was is just a myth or is there more to it? It was a great way to give backstory while also spiking the curiosity of your readers.
ReplyDeleteI also love that the first story was a journal entry. I know I already had my mind made up about Betsy and I’m sure most other readers did too after the intro. However, once you start to see things from Betsy’s point of view, you remember that you don’t have all the details! When I read Betsey’s story I was shocked and disgusted for her. Poor girl! We see now why she has hate in her heart and we have a pretty good idea of what happened to those men who mysteriously died.
As we continue to follow Betsy’s life through her journal entries, I only got more curious! I’m excited to come back and see what happened once she marries Mr. Witherbee!
You immediately had me hooked. There were so man twists and turns that I didn't expect at all! I liked the way you kept me on my toes while I read. I was shocked when that man took advantage of her and truly felt so sad for her. Then, when her parents didn't believe her I was just enraged! Why would she lie about such a thing? And finally, when she decided to kill all three of them, my jaw dropped. That seemed very drastic to result to murder, but made the story very interesting. I saw a few typos in your story. You may try reading aloud, that always helps me to catch small errors!! Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I am very eager to read more from your storybook when I get the chance. I wonder what other twists you'll throw at your readers next? Wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteI'm back! Last time I believe I was only able to read your introduction, and now after reading through all the stories, it's really coming together. I mentioned this previously, but the journal format is an excellent way for the reader to get a look at Betsy's inner thoughts and feelings and clarified a lot of questions I had. I also like that it's not just the reader who gets to react to Betsy's life, but also the main character of the story who discovered the journal in the first place.
ReplyDeleteAs I went through your author's notes for the different stories, I found it really interesting that you drew from such a variety of sources. Using Ram and Sita's meeting as the inspiration for the quick marriage, and also the idea of using Bride for a Dead Man as the tale behind Betsy's crucial choice were wonderful decisions on your part. You've done an amazing job, and I hope to be back to read more of your work soon!
I love the theme of your storybook! It is so fascinating and intriguing! I am so glad I got a chance to read it. You do a wonderful job of drawing the suspense and keeping the reader on their toes waiting to find out more of Betsy’s secrets! I wrote a story from one of the sources you chose, A Flowering Tree and Other Oral Tales from India. I wrote about the story “The cannibal sister” and I thought this Betsy character was right out of that story. I made mine into a girl whose lovers kept dying (i.e. she murdered them without knowing). If you need another story to write, this could be an interesting one to weave into it. I honestly don’t have any suggestions for you. Maybe play around with website themes to make the background a little more eerie to fit the mood? Anyway, I love the way the stories flow and I’m glad I stumbled upon your storybook this week.
ReplyDeleteHey Kimber! I really enjoyed your storybook! I only read the first story but I found my jaw kept dropping the entire time. I was in shock when she so casually suggested how she might have future problems that she would have to "take care of" How eerie! I couldn't imagine someone killing their parents but I suppose it has happened. I wish we could have had more details about the killing to make it seem really creepy. She could have watched the blood ooze out of them and begun to smile, etc. I think that would have made the story darker. I really do enjoy the diary entries that you have chosen to make. This way we can really get an insight into Betsy's world. I agree with McKenzie though, the background is much cheerier than the actual story content. Maybe you could make it a darker or deeper color? That could help create more of a scarier effect. Great job though!
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I've been back in a while and wow I love what you've done! I was very confused about who exactly Betsy was supposed to be based on, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was Sita and not Draupadi like I had thought! I really like how you blended different parts of Sita's story to make Betsy's story! It was very cool to see your interpretation of everything. I was a little confused in the first story as to where some of the similarities were so I liked how you included that in the author's note but it would be nice to have even more fleshing out of that because I was still slightly confused. I also really like the layout of the website; it's very clean and pretty! The pictures are very nice too and help work with your descriptions so I can picture the house! But overall, great storybook! I love it and can't wait to hear the conclusion!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this piece more than anything I have read lately. I think you did an amazing job at drawing in the readers from the introduction on. After I read your whole storybook I just wanted to keep reading and there was nothing more to read. I hope you keep up with this blog or chose to write based on this subject some more. There was a few times were some paragraphs seemed a little long so maybe work on cutting some writing down and taking out the things that are unnecessary. Also work on a few small grammatical errors throughout the storybook. Maybe try reading it out loud or having someone else read it before posting it and this should fix the tiny little errors. Otherwise, like I said you did a great job! I really enjoyed the piece and would love to read more. Please keep writing, especially these murder mystery type stories!
ReplyDeleteNotes on “A New Beginning” and “Blooming Love”:
ReplyDeleteI really liked this as a bridge between the previous story and the next. I remember feeling like Betsy’s snap into homicide was kind of sudden, so I’m glad we get to see her reflecting on it afterwards. Nice details describing the house, too—the piano, especially, serves as great connecting point between past and present, and beautiful settings can be especially perfect for spooky stories! And judging by the old woman’s ominous prophecy, this is about to get spooky.
The opening of each story, where we get to see your present-day narrator reacting and exploring, is one of my favorite parts of this storybook. You did a marvelous job setting up the world in your introduction, and I hope you keep capitalizing on it in future stories!
At the end of “Blooming Love”, I’m still caught waiting for something…murderous, to happen! I hadn’t expected a Rama and Sita story. I’m excited to see where you take it next.
Hey Kimber! Wow, another interesting turn for Betsy in "Blooming Life." She never thought she would find love, but that weird old lady turned out to be right. The strange woman's identity is never reveled though... Who was she? Or maybe it's better to leave a mystery unsolved. I like the nod to Rama and Sita's first meeting in "Blooming Life," how Betsy meets Charles. The only typo I saw was right before the section titled 2 March 1894: "to complete my (insert a word here!) with Betsy."
ReplyDeleteIn the last section, it's so disturbing to be rooting for Charles and Betsy and the same time. Like Betsy is clearly crazy but we still feel sorry for her when Charles keeps asking her about her past. Her actions seem so calculated and intentional, that it makes her killing him seem logical, when it is actually really terrifying. It takes good writing to pull that off, so good job on this one. Since you've been ending your chapters with a cliff hanger, I bet it would make your story more chilling if you left us worrying about Betsy and/or her town. What if she finds another man? What if the town begins to wonder about Betsy?
Hello Kimber! It’s been awhile since the last time I read your storybook! I originally only read your introduction which left me very curious about where you would go with the story as a whole. Since reading the entirety of your storybook it was very interesting and drama packed. I very much enjoyed the read! I really liked the way you were able to express the way she felt after she was assaulted and how the impact of her parents was the driving factor of Betsy going way off the deep end! You really shocked me when Betsy had whittled it down to the only option was to kill her parents and assaulter just to get away from the situation. That shock and drama with it was what really drew me into the rest of your story. I also think that if you didn’t add in the old lady coming into the story to talk to her then she would have never killed Charles. So that part I really liked! Great job on your storybook!
ReplyDeleteHi, Kimber! Normally, I would forget the author of the stories that I read, but not yours. I was so intrigued the first time that I read your story and so when I had a free choice, I knew I had to come back to yours. I also like how your story incorporates the lives of two people. I feel as if this makes the story more interesting since you get to read the story through two different point of views.
ReplyDeleteBLOOMING LIFE
“I step up to it, as if its tempting me to tickle it's ivories.”
Change its to it’s since you are trying to say “it is tempting me to…”
A HAUNTING END
“I took those out and headed back to the bed to complete my with Betsy.”
I believe you forgot to add a word between “my” and “with”. Perhaps it was journey?
It’s interesting to read about how Betsy portrays her feelings after killing her husband. In a way, it’s a bit ironic. Betsy feels sad at the fact that she killed the man that she loved but she is fine with it knowing that she did it to keep herself safe.
Again, I really enjoyed reading through your storybook. It was filled with so many interesting horror aspects that left me wanting more. Keep up the good work!
Morghan! What a fantastic storybook! I went ahead and finished reading the entire thing, since I just had to know how it all ended! I absolutely loved the direction you took with your stories. I like that you continued to insert a little bit of an insight from the narrator, which helped me remember that someone was trying to find out the truth. I also really liked that you left the reader to decide what they believed to be the truth. You did it in a great way, having a cliff hanger but not necessarily making us beg for more. Great job.
ReplyDeleteOverall, everything looked great. There were a few minor grammar issues, mostly dealing with words that I think just got dropped during some editing. They weren’t serious, but they did kind of interrupt the flow. Just a quick read through should catch them! Thanks for writing such a fantastic storybook! Good luck with the end of your semester!
I totally meant Kimber, not Morghan! So sorry!
DeleteHey, Kimber! I know I keep showing up on your comment wall, but I just keep wanting to know what happened! I loved the ending you provided. "A Haunting End" was beautifully written. I only saw two mistakes that confused me:
ReplyDeleteparagraph one "I took those out and headed back to the bed to complete my with Betsy."
- was it suppose to be "...to complete my snack with Betsy"?
The years seem to switch from 1894 to 1984. Was it all suppose to happen within the same year?
Besides those two, this was such a fun read! I especially loved the ending you provided. From the beginning, I thought she was justified to kill the man that raped her, and even her parents because they were so cruel to her. However, her loving husband that just wanted to know what her life was like? Oh, that's so scary! I feel like if I was her, I would've just made something up and burned that journal. Anyway, I loved reading your story throughout the semester. I think you did a really great job with it!
I'm glad that I was able to read through all of the stories in one sitting, because they're truly entertaining! I love rooting for the uh.... unlikely hero. You seem to have a knack for murder/mystery types! I connected with the opening line of your last story, A Haunting End, because I felt so similarly! I truly joined Betsy's world and it sure is dark. I especially love the attention to detail on seemingly mundane tasks, for example "That's when I remembered that I had brought my backpack with me for my adventure. I take out the flashlight and checked to make sure the batteries were working. As I was getting ready to finished the journal, my stomach started making the oddest noise I've heard. Luckily, I threw in some granola bars and other snacks to hold me over for the day. I munched on them as I headed back to the bed to complete my journey with Betsy." Those small details that aren't exactly needed for the plot (checking to see if the batteries work) really bring life to the writing. It makes your text unique and entirely you. I really enjoyed reading your storybook, wow! I hope you feel as accomplished as you deserve :)
ReplyDeleteKimber,
ReplyDeleteI've always chosen each week to come back and read your story because I just love the original character of Betsy. It's amazing how you've managed to build so much suspense with under 1000 words. Last time I read your final chapter, it was unfinished, but I'm glad you've chosen to end this chapter like the rest--full of suspense and speculation on the reader's part.
The only thing that could help your story a little more is to perhaps move the pictures to places in your text where they come up. For instance, the ladder comes up in the last chapter where Betsy decides to push her husband off of it. You could move it up to that place in the text. Other than that, it looks and sounds really great.
Thank you for giving us such a great murder-mystery-romance story that we can connect to. I like how you've given the reader to decide what comes next in Betsy's story. Maybe she's found another man in another town? We'll never know.
I returned to your storybook to finish reading the last few stories and finally find out whether or not Betsy kills her husbands. Overall, I like what you done with this murder mystery, but the author's notes don't seem to connect your stories with the Indian epics as well as they could. For instance, in A New Beginning the original story proposes more of a choice for the character while in your story Betsy seems to receive more of a warning than a choice. Perhaps you could just alter the dialogue that the old lady has to rephrase it more into a choice. Maybe you could even include that if she chose to tell her husband that he would die an untimely death similar to the young prince. I also noticed a typo with the dates in a Haunting end. The middle two posts say that the year is 1984 instead of 1894. Still, I don't want you to think that I don't like your stories. They are certainly some of the most entertaining in our class's storybooks.
ReplyDeleteHI! I've read the very first post from your storybook earlier in the semester and really loved it so I decided for the last project feedback I'd read your storybook again! The theme of your story really captures your readers attention. You picked a theme that gave you so many interesting writing possibilities. I've only read "The Life of Betsy" and "A New Beginning" but I want to try to finish your storybook before the semester is over. I didn't catch any typos in your story, so that's awesome! Also I love how mysterious Betsy is in her new town. She is so sure that she's gotten away with the crime she's committed. And then when you added the part about the old woman telling her she would fall in love and mentioning her past, my jaw dropped. It was one of those "dun dun duuunnnn" moments. Thank you for being so creative with your storybook and sharing it with us!!
ReplyDeleteYou did a really great job with the layout. It may seem simple to some but the simplicity makes it easy for the reader to focus on the story. Also I just love plain layouts with simple designs… Anyways, I really enjoyed reading your stories. I think you did a really good job jumping into the perspective of the character. Your attention to detail and ability to draw a picture in my head is truly amazing. I think you did a great job letting the voice of the character come through. It makes the story seem very real and almost as if this could be someone’s blog posts or actual dairy instead of a story. I think the length of your stories makes it easy for the reader to follow. Also the number of stories was great! Although I would be interested in the next story you would have written! Great job on this and good luck with dead week and finals!
ReplyDelete